I cannot tell you how often the subject of a second child comes up. Whether it's from parents or friends, or even my husband. And, while I always knew I wanted more than one child I feel like that's changed.
Everyone tells you that you forget about your first childbirth experience - the pain and the recovery and that you do so you'll be prepared to have more than one. Survival of the species they call it.
But, you know, it's been more than a year and it's still very real to me. Maybe not the pain of the c-section or the procedures four months following her birthday that I needed to get me fully on the road to recovery.But, what is so very real and present every day is that she was premature. That she needs breathing treatments every day and she hates them. That she has a wheeze and a rattle and everyone always wants to tell us how she's congested.
And, yes, I know there was absolutely nothing I could do to change that. But, I find myself thinking back,(probably more often than I should) about how I could have fought harder to stay pregnant longer. Yes, hospital bed rest sucked. Big time. But, couldn't I have made it another week? Maybe two to get her to full term? I think about how, after she was born, I read about a medication that is supposed to help babies lungs develop faster if they will be premature. Why didn't we get that before the induction?
I don't have fears about delivering another child. I have serious hesitations about being pregnant again and if my body will behave in the same way. I cannot imagine how much harder it would be to be in that situation again with a child at home.
Is this normal? Probably. I don't know. But, the more that time goes by, I might be happy with one. Who knows?
My point is this (yes, I have one), I wish people would stop asking when we're having another. I know they mean well, but frankly one is plenty right now. I love her like crazy, but I worry about how much those five weeks will matter in the long term and I don't want to worry about how another will fare. At least not right now.